Ouch, that is what it felt like, ouch. I didn't have a call to make on Mother's Day morning. I didn't have a present to buy...all I had was a memory. Is this wrong? Is this unhealthy? Should I force myself to take my sad moments and turn them into happy memories? I don't know how you do that. Right now, remembering Mom, hurts so much...the pain seems brand new. Why is that? Why is it that others go on...yet I have a constant cloud over my head. Will the skies ever be clear again? Will I just have to live, day-by-day, with this pain? How is my Dad living on? How does he make it through each day? Some days, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry like an infant. That is how I feel today. I am very well damn near sick of myself. I want the pain to stop.
I have felt the power of God when I have been in the depths of despair. I know what it feels like to have His Spirit comfort me. I know God is here. I know He is holding me up and helping me go forward even if I don't feel it. Yet today it feels like I am on my own. Faith is not about feelings, faith is about knowing...God says, in the Book of Isaiah: You will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Yet there are times, like today when I am missing her so much, that my mind is blank and my heart is screaming in anguish.
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? (Psalm 13)
...Lord help my unbelief. I am clinging to your cross for dear life.
