Remember a while back I posted about my mom making ornaments? Well, for several years leading up to her death there was an ornament she received from a friend sitting in her craft room. This ornament is made out of small circles (cut from Christmas cards) that are all stapled together to make a ball. My mom always wanted to make this ornament for us. When we visited my dad this past Spring, I brought home the bag with the completed ornament and the cards she was using to cut the circles. It is my intention to make three of these this year, one for each of my siblings.
So, here I sit trying to piece the first one together. With every staple my heart grows heavier and heavier. Can I just say one more time, in case you haven't been listening, how weary I have grown of the pain in my heart? I try with every breath of my being to turn my sadness into joy. Not joy in the jumping-up-and-down kind, but joy in the fact that I had her for 46 years...that she was a remarkable woman who raised me to be a God-fearing adult. A woman who sacrificed everything for me. But every thought brings sadness. Why is this so?
Believe me, I know just how redundant this is beginning to sound. It clangs around in my head. In less than a month it will be one whole year since she died. While I have made some advancement I do not feel it is good enough. She would not want me still crying after all this time...she would want me to pour myself another glass of wine and toast to her memory. I wish I could, oh how I wish I could.
