Not the Beginning

I have no idea why I am doing this, except to say that I watched the movie Julie and Julia and was intrigued by the whole "blogging" movement.  Will anyone be interested in what I have to say?  Who knows.  I've been on a journey, a God-appointed journey, where everything happens for a reason, for His glory.  Because of recent happenings, on this journey, I have been doing so much thinking...these are just some of my thoughts, no real significance to anyone except to me. And, I should mention, they are in no particular order.

I always knew that, one day, I would have to deal with the death of a parent.  I guess, in my mind, that day was far off - far away, even though I had aging parents.  So, when word came, the end of September, of my mother's diagnosis of bone cancer...I was in denial. Surely it was a mistake.  I really believed that when the biopsy results were returned they would show that.

When my daughter and I visited my parents in mid-October, mom was in the hospital for the biopsies.  My prediction was wrong.  Mom had bone cancer, with no primary location of cancer diagnosed.  She came home from the hospital, eight days later, so I extended my stay to help care for her.  She was so fragile. Oxygen on at all times, getting up only to use the bathroom.  How hard to watch.  You read of the role-reversal that happens as parents age, but never, in all the world, could I have imagined the feelings this would provoke in me.  So hard that, even now to no one in particular, I can't write down what happened, or what I felt and saw.  It is just too hard.

What I didn't fully  understand at the time was that mom was already beginning her journey to death.  Deep down I think I knew, but I was hoping (and praying) against hope.  I wanted  my mommy to live forever.  But, all grown up now, I knew this couldn't be, so I wanted to tell her what she meant to me.  I wanted her to know the impact that she had made on my life.  I wanted her, more than anything, to recognize her need of a savior.  So I told her.

I'll share more of what I said at another time.  It is still too fresh and painful for me to put into writing.

When I left, early November, I knew, for sure, this would be the last time I saw her alive.  I was right, she failed quickly.  And exactly four weeks to the day I was venturing back, this time alone, for my mother's funeral.  What a sad journey that was, but knew that the God of all peace was guarding my heart and leading the way.

My mother walked quietly through this life, but she touched the lives of all who knew and loved her.  She touched their lives, my life, in immeasurable ways. I  miss her dearly.