For the first time, since my mother's death, I really need to talk with her. I need to ask her a question. I need maternal advice. I need my mother, and she isn't here.
My mother was there the day I took my first step, spoke my first word, went to school for the first time, graduated eighth grade, twelfth grade and college. My mother was there for the first big break-up and she was there when my feelings were hurt by a friend or sibling. My mother taught me how to write my name in cursive and she taught me how to use the iron and fold clothes. My mom cried with me when I miscarried my first child and she was with me in my heart, eleven years later, the day I gave birth to my only child. She was by my side when my daughter's belly button fell off at 2 weeks old.
I was hoping my mother would be with me as I struggled to loosen my grip on my daughter's life, allowing her to become more independent. But she isn't. and I find myself riddled with questions that only she can answer.
My daughter and I have entered into a very tense time in our relationship. I am not exactly sure why, but it has been very hard. It seems that we struggle and fight all the time now. I don't remember it being this way with my mom. I want to ask mom if I was difficult...if I gave her grief. If I made her heart ache. If I made her cry. I need to know that I am going to make it through and that my daughter will still love me, like I loved her. I'll never know.
My mother was my silent cheerleader. I feel a great emptiness where her cheers used to be.
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