Visiting Again

I am visiting again.  My Dad is okay.  He makes it through each day doing what he always has done..when my mom was alive.  All the while missing his wife as though he is missing a limb.  I miss her too.  It is coming up on two years since she died.  You would think that it would be getting easier to deal with, but it hasn't.  Sure, I have learned to live with her absence, so has my dad, but it does not take away the pain she left in my heart, and his, when she died.

Funny though, the picture that was sitting on the table since her death, where Dad eats his meals,  has now been moved to the counter.  What does this mean?  Is he forgetting? Has his love for his wife grown faint?  Or has he, like the rest of us, learned to live without her in our lives?  I think the latter to be true.  In order to move forward you have to leave something behind.  This fact really hurts like hell. 

I find myself going into her closet to catch a whiff of her perfume.  Is there any smell left?  Has time robbed me of that as well?  I search and look and finally, in another closet, find a blazer she wore a lot.  I smell her perfume.  I smell her.  I breathe in and my memory takes me to a place where she is still alive and laughing.  Where all is right with the world.  It is fake, it is phoney.  She is not here, she is gone, never to be seen again.  I can not stand this.  The pain of her absence is more than I can bare alone.  I will live the rest of my life without my mother.  Soon, my dad will join her. 

I look to the one who alone gives peace, who alone gives comfort.  I have nothing but the promise of the cross of Christ.  I cling to it.  There is nothing else.

Some Days I Miss My Mother Very Much

Today is one of those days.

A dear friend's mother died a few days ago.  In speaking with her she recounted the last few days she spent with her mother, before she died.  I am glad that I could be there for my friend, whose grief is so fresh, however, my heart has been aching ever since.  Oh how I miss mom.

I wish I could have shared with my friend that the pain she feels will go away or lessen somehow.  I couldn't, because it hasn't for me.  The times that I cry may be fewer and spaced farther apart, but the heartache is the same as the day she left this earth.  In order to survive I have learned to live with this pain.

Somehow I must face the rest of my life without the woman who gave me life.  Without the woman who sacrificed so much of herself for me.  It is only by God's grace I am able to continue.  My friend shared something with me that gave me comfort -- because I know Christ, God IS with me.  I am never alone in my sorrow.  Praise be to God.  He is faithful, He is carrying me, He will complete this work in me. 

Until I reach heaven's door I will remember my mother and all she gave me.  I will remember her in the best parts of me, because they are because of her.   I will continue to keep her memory alive in the stories I tell.  I will see her face every time I look at my daughter.  I will continue to love and honor my father.  And I will remember how much she loved me. 

It is Well with my Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pain shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

And Lord haste the day, when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Soli deo Gloria. Amen.

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Charles Spurgeon Was a Very Wise Man

If you perish praying for mercy through the precious blood, you will be the first who ever perished that way. Cry on; just cry on. But believe, too, for believing brings the morning star and the day dawn. ~CH Spurgeon


I am still waiting for the morning star and the day dawn, but I know that my God is faithful.

Easter

My mother made every holiday something special.  She especially loved Easter.  I can see us all dressed up, taking a family photo, before church on Easter Sunday.  I think it was more than just the holidays that she loved - she loved family.  My mother held us together.  We weren't the perfect family, but we had love for each other.  She made us see the importance of spending time together.  And we did.  I just wish I could have appreciated that time together more when I was younger and we were all geographically close.  It is so different now.  My Dad and brother live far away and I have a sister who really wants nothing to do with me. I am grateful for my oldest sister who, although busy with her adult children's problems, has been a good sister to me and a constant in my daughter's life.

I am especially missing my mom today.  Sometimes I hear her voice in my head, and my heart aches again.  This pain has been the worst pain I have ever felt.  In these moments of great sadness I work at turning my attention outward and upward.  Outward to those around me that I love and upward to the only One who can take away my pain.  The One whose death on a cross saved me from my sin and gave me hope.  Hope for life everlasting.  Hope that I will, one day, see my  mother again and hear her voice.  Soli deo Gloria.

The Weariness

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." (2Corinthians 4:15+)




If there was no God, there would be no Jesus.  If there was no Jesus there would be no hope.  I have a hope that is other-worldy.  A hope that rests squarely in the life and death of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I take nothing for granted.  I am humbled by the fact that I was called by name, and that I belong to Him.  


Soli deo Gloria

The Past Twelve Months

Can it already be a year?  A whole twelve months since my mother died?  This Thursday, November 17, 2011, will mark the one year anniversary of her death.  At times it seems like it was just yesterday and at other times it feels like it was one hundred years ago.  I can't decide which hurts more.

I have learned some things in the past year, I'd like to share them with you.

1) Death sucks.  No, it really does.  God did not intend for us to die, so when it touches your life it hurts, it hurts like nothing you have ever felt before.

2) I really, really, really loved (love?) my mother.  I didn't realize what an important roll she still played in my life until she was gone.   After all, I am all grown up and she had moved out of state more than fifteen years ago.  How much had I needed her?  Far more than I ever imagined.  So many times, in the last year, I have wanted to call her and talk to her about something.

3) I've learned that it really is all about the gospel.  My only comfort in life, and death, is the knowledge that I belong to my Heavenly Father whose Son paid the penalty for my sin on the cross, and in so doing has secured for me a place in Heaven, for all eternity.  In my darkest moments this past year, God was there...He held me up, He let me cry on His shoulder, He never stopped loving me.

4) I've learned that my mother believed the above too.  And I am convinced I will see her again one day.

5) If I didn't know this already, my husband is an amazing man.  He has held me when I've needed to cry and given me the space when I have needed to be alone. He has been instrumental in my grieving.  When others close to me have said that I need to "move on," and have caused me to doubt my sanity, he reassured me that grief is a personal journey and I was right where I should be. I love him more today than I did twelve months ago.

It has been a very hard year.  I am weary of this journey and look forward to brighter tomorrows.  Rest in peace Mom, I love you.

Today

Today, one year ago, was the last time I saw my mother alive.  There really is nothing to add to this statement.  Just that it hurts today as much as it did that day.  That day I knew, really knew, that I would never see her alive again.  I sat down next to her on the couch and hugged her frail body.  I hugged as tightly as I could without hurting her.  Before she let go of me, Mom said, with emphasis, "I love you *SO* much."  Mom knew, too, that she would never see me or my daughter again.

I drove away that day with such a pain in my heart.  How I loved, love, her.  How I miss her.